Anger. - How dare you take more away from me. Why would you choose me, someone who's lost so much already.
Bargaining. - Let it be something else. Let her live, but be disabled. Let me hang on as long as I can.
Depression. - Leave me alone. Don't ask me questions. Don't try to give me hope.
Acceptance. - God has a plan. This is real, I cannot change it, I cannot fight it.
The Kubler-Ross Model. The five stages of grief. I've gone through them all, quickly, and I have a feeling they will rotate a few times before they slowly fade. Those rotations will likely last a long time.
But where does laughter, smiling and happiness fit in there? Are they not allowed? I've been hard pressed to laugh much during the last week. Often times, it has been forced. Someone says something to try to make me smile, and I do, simply to pacify their good intentions. This isn't the Emilee I know, and it's certainly not the Emilee all of my friends know. They know me as bubbly, friendly, outgoing and ever-optimistic. I don't like this person.
When I begin to feel frustrated with my lack of ability to see the positive, I remind myself that it's okay. There is no rush for me to get back to "normal". After this experience, I don't know what "normal" will be. It has only been five days! The problem I see with that is that I've never gone so long without genuine happiness. I don't typically go longer than an hour without some sense of joy.
Today was a better day, and strangely enough, our first rain of the season. I won't say tears haven't fallen, because that would be a lie. Every time I receive a hug from a friend, I can't help but be overcome with emotion. When I hear melancholy songs, I cry. Fortunately, Will has not left my side and takes my hand whenever these moments creep in. Today, for the first time, I laughed for real. Will and I have had funny exchanges off an on all day. We've both smiled and laughed. I won't share them here; if you know us, you know it's inappropriate. Dallas came home from being with his Grandma and Auntie for the last three days, and he had so much to say. Five year olds are silly, and his sense of humor seems to have matured in his time away from home. He cracked me up for a good half hour. It felt so nice. Evidently, he knows what girls have, and it starts with a "P" (it's not what you're thinking)... Paginas. I bet you smiled a little just now. The innocence of children is awesome...
Just as it's okay to feel sad and grieve our situation, it's okay to let it not be on the forefront of our minds every second of every day. I'm not forgetting, I'm not brushing feelings under the rug. I'm finding me, even if briefly, in a place where I'm very lost. I won't be lost forever. Just ask Will, I have an incredible sense of direction.