In our meeting with Pastor Alex on Tuesday, he called me out when I asked this question. He mentioned that something I said was not quite true; the part about beginning to heal now. Contrary to what I'm feeling in my aching body and aching heart, God as already begun to heal us. He began healing us the day Leila was conceived. Looking back over the past five days, I see that is true. I am now able to discuss Leila and our situation without falling apart. Yes, I still fall apart and often. However, I can have a conversation with Will about the future, about plans for her service, about the though stuff without losing all control. It's almost uplifting to talk about the future now. God works in mysterious ways.
I have prayed so hard these last five days. As most of you know, I've never been much of a God person. In fact, in situations like these, it only feels natural to be even less of a God person. To be angry and to fear Him. Oddly enough, I've never felt closer to Him. He has chosen me to carry this special little girl, and I am taking that challenge and blessing on with an open heart.
I have decided that I will carry Leila until early January. We will spend the holidays with her, and her body will continue to grow as it should. When she is born, she will be perfect. I will deliver her by c-section, to increase the chance that she survives labor and that we may both hold her in our arms while her heart beats. I plan to buy a little necklace with her name for her to wear, a personalized blanket to wrap her in, a little stuffed animal for her to keep with her when we lay her to rest, and a few wonderful friends have offered to come take photos for us and our family. I can't think of a more peaceful way to spend that day. We will hold a service a few weeks after she passes, where all of our friends are welcome to come join us in celebrating the life of our incredible baby girl. Will asked that I sing, and I may even try. It will be a beautiful day.
In the meantime, we are going to enjoy the time we have. We've received flowers from friends, we'll be taking a short weekend away to relax, the support has been absolutely overwhelming and we are so grateful. I will keep praying every day, and ask that you do so as well. Pray for a miracle, pray for peace, pray for healing, and pray for all those who love us and are holding our hearts spirit every day. We are so thankful for you all.