Tuesday, October 30, 2012

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

The last few days, I have been plagued with the notion of having to break the news of Leila's condition to my five year old son, Dallas. The words have bubbled up multiple times, but I never could quite get them out. Every time I got close, I stopped myself because I knew the constant smile on his face would quickly fade and I just couldn't bear to see that happen.

As I type, my sweet little boy is sitting next to me in bed drawing pictures for his little sister. Intermittently, he stops to come hug my belly and cry. During a quiet moment tonight, I told him that when Leila is born, she'll be joining God in heaven to watch over us. I could see the thoughts processing in his eyes before the tears began to run. My heart broke into a million pieces for him. I never ever want to see him hurting, and tonight, I caused his hurt. I could have put it off for another night. How I wish I could have put it off forever.

Through the tears, the questions started to come. Will she not come to daycare with me? Will she not sleep in my room? Why didn't God want me as an angel and only her? Will we ever have another baby? Will she die too? I did my best to handle each question with care, and we held each other and cried for nearly forty five minutes. He just kept repeating "This is the worst thing ever. I don't want her to go to heaven yet"...

Once he settled down a bit, I explained that we can talk to her at while she's in my belly, and after she's in heaven. That we can make memories on the day she is born, and take lots of pictures to frame and put in his room so she is always with him. I asked him if there was anything special he'd like to do for her in the meantime, and he responded with "I want to draw her a picture". This is what he came up with:

I thought it was so lovely that the first thing that came to mind was a rainbow. A beautiful natural wonder that shines even through the rain and clouds. That's what he is to me. Through all of the negative that he has endured in his short time, he pushes through and sees beauty. I'm so proud that I've raised a sensitive, strong, smart and caring little boy. I'm so proud to be his mother.


  1. I started to cry at "I don't want her to go to heaven yet."

    God bless your family through this difficult time. I am thinking of you guys always.

  2. Emilee - I can't do anything but sit here and cry for our children, all of them. Since ours are a little younger, we've ordered a few kids' books to help us and I know we're going to do it soon. I keep feeling the words bubble up, just like you did, because I want to tell them but I also wish so badly I could protect them from all of this.

    He does sound like such an amazing little boy though and congratulations for that!

  3. I have never cried like I am right now. I lvoe you guys and if there is ANYTHING you need call me I will do whatever I can!!!!