Monday, October 29, 2012

If Dreams Came True

Last night, I had my first dream about Leila. Fueled by fever and Ambien, it seemed to last all night and I remember every detail. I went into labor naturally, and when she was born, she looked just like a healthy baby. Her tiny little features were perfect in every way. She had beautiful dark hair, just like the meaning of her name. She wore a white hat with a pink butterfly, just like the one made for her in reality. She wore only a blanket. She wiggled, and when she cried for the first time, my heart jumped out of my chest. We never expected to hear her cry.

I remember struggling with whether to take her hat off and look underneath. Every time the hat crept up, I would pull it back down out of fear. I didn't want to see her in any way other than the lovely little girl I saw in front of me at that moment. Will decided to look first, and we were shocked to see that her head was perfectly round with the exception of one side. We could see that she did not have anything inside, yet she was behaving like a newborn baby would. She looked at us, she cried, and ate. I truly felt like she had beat the odds. Friends came to visit, hundreds of photos were taken while she was happily passed around. My mother was alive in my dream, and she posted on Facebook about being a proud Grandma. Through the course of the dream, which was only a matter of one day, Leila grew, walked and talked. All of this felt normal of course, because dreams, no matter how bizarre, always seem to make sense while they're happening. We sent friends to buy her clothes because we were unprepared for her to live as long as she did. We walked with her through the hospital, and I even took her for a ride in the car.

I dreaded the night time, which was approaching quickly. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want her to sleep. I was so afraid that with one blink, she would be gone.

Before we could get there, I woke up to my alarm. I was overcome with such a strange, sad feeling. My stomach was very unsettled. I realized that my dream was exactly how I wish her birth would be. She'd prove everyone wrong, and thrive regardless of her condition. My unsettled feeling was the result of knowing that possibility is just way too small for my liking. For the first time, I'm feeling scared for her arrival because it means she'll be leaving us. No matter how much I remind myself to be grateful for any time with her that we can get, it will never be enough. If a minute turns into an hour, I will want it to turn into a day. A day into a week. A week into a month and a month into forever. That's how is should be. That's how we planned it.

I'm going to let today be a bad day, because I've been blessed with mostly "okay days" in the last week, and I know they will return. In the meantime, I'll keep praying for a miracle, and for peace in my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Stay strong Emilee. Little Leila will be perfect,she is after all an angel!