When I'm alone with my thoughts, they tend to be focused on my pregnancy, on Leila and her birth in just a few short months. I don't try to change that, though it sometimes leads to more heartache than I anticipated. This morning, I thought a lot about the day she'll be born. Will I continue with my plan of a scheduled c-section and hope that it allows her to survive for a while? Will I turn the day over to God and wait for her to come on her own and risk losing her in the process? What will she look like? Will I be scared? Will I be excited? What will she wear? How will the boys react to her? What if she is born still, like so many are? How will I control my emotions long enough to enjoy our time with her? I let myself ask these questions, reel over them, change my mind about them. I'm also learning that although I may make a decision, the blink of an eye could take my choice away. I cannot expect that the day of her birth will go just as I would like. I have to allow myself to be flexible and understanding of the Lord's plan, and let go of control.
Yesterday, Will and I were talking about football and my lack of ability to understand the game. I told him that I didn't grow up watching it, and he seemed shocked. "Your dad didn't make you sit on his lap and watch the games with him?" I told him no, we went to football parties with lots of other kids and they would send us off to play so they could watch, uninterrupted. He responded, "If I had a daughter, we would watch football together all the time"... and then he caught himself. "I hope she's born on a Sunday so we can watch football together, even if it's just for a minute".
This experience, much like football, I fear I will never be able to wrap my mind around. What I can do, on the other hand, is try to enjoy it as we ride it out. There will be disappointment, loss and pain but if I let go of the fear, there will also be so much love and joy.
Each day I carry Leila is a day closer to "Goodbye", but it's also a day closer to "Hello", and although that's something I may never understand, I will pray for the strength to accept.