As I was driving home this morning from taking Will to work, I had a million thoughts in my head. A thousand things I wanted to write, and now as I sit here, I can't manage to remember any of them. I'm trying to keep myself busy with cleaning, running errands, I even went out with friends last night... the last thing I remember is falling asleep in Will's arms with tears running down my face. Nothing is taking this pain away.
Because my head is in such a fog, I am going to write my thoughts out a little differently that I typically would. I am not going to elaborate on each thought as I usually do... I just need to get them out of my head and onto paper. These thoughts are raw and honest, and not pretty. This is my broken heart speaking:
I know you are free from pain and suffering, but I am not. It's not fair. I want to grow a pair of wings and join you. Not a moment passes where you are not my main focus.
I miss you holding you in my arms. A day was not enough. I am carrying around the blanket you were wrapped in like I'm a toddler. It comes with me in my purse when I leave. It comes with me to bed at night.
I cannot eat more than a few bites of food. My appetite is non-existent, though I have found my appetite for alcohol has grown. It's not healthy. I cannot allow myself to abuse substances to numb the hurt. They work, but only briefly and I have a life and a family to care for.
I am not the same person I was before I lost you. My heart is in a million pieces and will never be put back together the same way.
I hate that all that is left of you is ashes. Your urn is beautiful, I carry you in a dove on my necklace, but I wish it was you and not just what remains of you.
I don't see me when I look in the mirror. I see a woman with swollen, puffy, bloodshot eyes that make-up cannot hide. Her skin is pale, she looks worn and tired. That woman doesn't smile much either.
I feel like I am failing my son, your big brother who loves you dearly.. He needs so much love right now and it needs to come from me, but I haven't been able to pull myself together. I don't want him to see me cry all the time. I want him to keep being a child, and play and have fun... but I'm not quite ready to join him.
I have so much to do, and I don't want to do any of it. I don't even want to get out of bed and shower some days. The world does not stop turning just because mine did, and I want to pause time so I can just be.
I'm dreading your services tomorrow. I know they will be beautiful, and there will be so much love in that church, but I want them to be perfect. You deserve perfection. I'm also dreading it because I feel like it is closing a chapter and I am not ready to close. Soon, people will stop sending messages of hope and kind words, people will begin to forget about us and your story as time goes on. Leila, please know that time will NEVER take you out of my head or heart.