Wednesday, December 5, 2012

One Foot in Front of the Other

My days since Leila's birth have been as so: Avoid getting out of bed to get in the shower. Once in the shower, avoid getting out. Once out of the shower, avoid drying my hair. Once in the car headed to my destination, avoid going in. I've come to realize that just because my world is at a stand still, the rest of the world isn't. Our children need to be cared for, the house needs to be cleaned, and the bills will keep coming. Where is the energy to do these things going to come from? How will I make sure my responsibilities are cared for, while still taking time to grieve and allow healing?

With very inopportune timing, Will's new business opened just days before Leila arrived. With that fact also comes the fact that he is at work about fifteen hours a day. I waver between whether to try and busy myself to take my mind off not having him here with me, or laying in bed and crying. Unfortunately, I haven't had much time for the latter. There has been so much to do, and I will be returning to work next week so this now is the only time I have to "do". I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I can't focus on my grief. Even my words, which are normally pretty well put together, are jumbled and I can't quite figure out exactly what I want to say here. How are we going to make it through this?

The answer: God, the love of others, and belief in myself that I will survive this. One day, one hour, one minute, one breath at a time.

I believe, though not a minute goes by that at least a second is full of doubt. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. We will make it.

For those who have asked how they can help, please consider a donation to the Leila Grace Memorial Fund at US Bank (Account # 153665833767). Once our expenses have been covered, any remainder will be given to the organizations that have graciously helped us through the last few months. We realize that the holiday season makes finances tight for everyone, and of course will still be happily and gratefully accepting prayers and kind words. God hears our prayers, and he will continue to carry us through.

Emilee, Leila's proud mommy.


  1. Hey Eileen - try "Life Ain't Always Beautiful". It is, in fact, a beautiful song and one of my favorites when I need the strength to keep going. I lost my second baby to miscarriage. After years and another baby born, I still cry for the one I lost. I will see her again soon, and until then she is with the other angels. Susan

  2. Oh our Sweet Emilee *hugs* while it is hard right now, I am so proud of you. To quote our friend Wendy Dunster "When God gave me more than I could handle, I leaned on Him and allowed Him to carry me when I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. When showering and make up weren't important and I had just plain given up. BUT one day things were just a little bit better than the day before and after a little while I could smile again." Going back to work next week is going to be tough but you are so filled with grace and with Him by your side there is nothing you can't do with Him. I continue to pray for you and your family and at night I look for the brightest star and blow Leila a kiss goodnight 0:-) just know sweetie that yall will never be forgotten!! Love ya! Julie n Texas